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Date: August 14th

Year: 2013

Time: 06:53 am

Me *suffering the aftershocks of Ramadan; still staying up until 8 or 9 am, sleeping until 5 or 6 pm, also suffering from Ammee’s doings.*

Ammee *flipping through Pakistani Channels, feeling super proud of our braves in white at Mazar-e-Quaid.*

Finally after the ceremony is over, she says, “66 saal ho gaye azaad huwey, mulk ka kya haal hai?”

Among many other things I suffer from, one is taking words literally, like literally literally!

So I sit there zoned out, and actually think, merey mulk ka kiya haal hai?

Today we celebrate 66 years of our independence, 66 years since our forefathers fought for an identity of our own.

Today marks the 66th year since we came out of the shadow of the British and the Indians.

Today, 66 years ago, Pakistan gained its independence.

Today, we feel proud to put up a horribly fake accent and talk in English, shamelessly claiming that we are unable to read or write Urdu.

Today, Watching the Game of Thrones, Suits, Big Bang Theory, How I met Your Mother, Grey’s Anatomy, Doctor Who, Anger Management and what else not is a status symbol, it’s the IN THANG BITCHES!!!!!

Today, everyone wants to settle down in UK, US, Canada, UAE, Australia! Anywhere but Pakistan.

Today, I think twice before even thinking of moving back to Pakistan.

Today, people in Pakistan ask me if I’ve lost my mind when I even mention that I’d like to move back.

Today, my students ask me if I’ve watched Zero Dark Thirty, Iron man, The four lions, 24, and if Pakistan is actually that messed up.

Today, I smile and try to un-tarnish the image of my beloved country!

Today, we have ditched shalwar kameez as people don’t respect us in that get-up; we have pulled on skinnies and slung fake LVs, GUCCIs and yeah… you all know the brands better than me!

Today, we have forgotten the concept of a dupatta, because it’s not in fashion! Waisey bhi woh tu paindo productions pehentey hain

Today, we have burned down a national historic monument, the very house of the Father of this Nation!

Today, the rich strive to become richer, and the poor, try not die by the end of the day.

Today, we do not have electricity.

Today, we hungrily gobble down the news chowder media feeds us. Soaking it all in, ranting, raving, tweeting, condemning, but nothing more!

Today we worship Malala because our actual Abba ji, the White people have ordered us to do so!

Today, we give dead, decomposed rat’s bony, maggot-ridden, stinky ass to the other women dying, burnt alive, killed in this very country every day, cuz Abba Hazoor hasn’t highlighted them to us!

Today, we have issues getting CNG, I wouldn’t even want to discuss petrol!

Today, hum bachi/bandi pey nahi nationality pey line martey hain! Buss kissi key bhi neechey lag key bahar dafa ho jaien!

Today, we are being blamed for everything and we just bend over further, grab our ankles, and give our cheesiest smile! Might as well give them better access and the most fun fuck of their life!!

Today, we droll over SKR and Ranbhir Kapoor, Katrina  and Kareena!

Today, we would go South-east of the border, get bitchslapped, work in 3rd graded films, sing songs, get thrown out of that country only to go back at the first “c’mere doggy”.

Today, we do not have fair elections.

Today we can bribe our way to/through anything, and I mean ANYTHING!

Today we do not have justice.

Today, we have no Government University or college built since decades.

Today, we have lookalikes of Salman Khan, but no one looks like Shaan.

Today, we still discriminate against the people who left everything they had, everyone they knew, their homes, some, even their families and migrated to the new “ISLAMIC REPUBLIC of PAKISTAN”

THEN IT HIT ME! Hit me like a car hits a poor animal making it road kill, like the desi people hit the khana on weddings, like Rani Taj hits the dhol, yeah yeah I know u get the drift. BTW there’s an X on the top-right corner of your screen; if you don’t like what you’re reading, why don’t YOU HIT IT!

Anyways, it hit me that…

TODAY, SIXTY SIX years post the so called independence, WE ARE STILL NOT INDEPENDENT

Today, the sacrifices, the fight, the struggle our forefathers did for this piece of land, go in vain.

Today the Quaid turns in his grave!

Today, Allama Iqbal regrets the day he dreamt of a separate nation for the Muslims of the Indian subcontinent!

Today, our braves who dedicated and gave their lives for our Country and our freedom lament the day they signed their life to a behiss qoum like us!

Today I will not wish you Youm-e-Azadi Muabarak or a Happy independence day!

BUT

Today I will make you a promise,

The day we actually gain independence from all our non-Pakistani vices,

The day we stop craving and aiming to live the “Friends” life style,

The day each and every Pakistani, (irrespective of where you were born or raised, where you are settled now, what passport you hold, what place you call home, how many languages you speak) bleeds green and becomes a hard core ambassador of the Pakistan the Quaid and our forefather fought for,

The day when we are not a Punjabi, Kashmiri, Balouchi, Sindhi, Pathan, but just a Pakistani,

The day we make our own decisions, and not let America make them for us,

The day we will all point at laugh at people who can’t speak in Urdu,

The day each and every one of us will have a clear conscience when asked if we did our job as a Pakistani…

THAT DAY, I’ll be the first one to personally wish you OUR VERY FIRST INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Until then,  hamarey pyarey Pakistan aur waha muqeem logoun ka Allah hi Hafiz hai!

Date: August 14th

Year: 2013

Time: 08:14 am.

Me *still up!*

P.S: I’m not sorry if I’ve offended you, I’m rarely sorry if ever; but still being the nice awesome human being I am, I apologize for hitting raw nerves and making you feel bad! But guess what idiot? Technically you are to blame; you decided to keep reading and still are! 😛

P.S.S the sole credit for coining the term “wanting to live a ‘Friends’ lifestyle” goes to @rock_poet! Thanx Saawmey!

@Pakola_Ice- The Bongi Master

Day: Yesterday; aka Tuesday.

Date: 1st May 2012.

Time: 9:30something p.m.

I leave home to go see Adi-so smart, so we can work on a project I had the deadline for this morning.

Pakola_Ice, aka Sammey (say saaaaaa-may VERY FAST) pings to ask if I could pick him up from this place where he is learning film making… in actuality he has just ujarofied that money. Aata kakh nahi hai iss ko!

Anyways, I go out of my way, to pick him, running late, precious minutes ticking away to my deadline, wait for him to get his tashreef ka tokra into the car and we go off, to where I would have been 25 minutes ago, had it not been for this moron!

He starts his usual bakwas. “Acha khamoshi, ek fone karna hai” Bhen key bhai! ek tu itna wait , now I have to shut up cuz HE has to make a call. I yell, laugh like gabbar, holler like a mad woman, just to tick him off. He says nothing, he knows whats best for him!

 

kher, when I finally tire of making his life miserable and quiet down, he makes the call. Here is how it goes:

Saamey: (super excited) “Hey! how ARE you?”

(dripping with cheesiness) “yeah. well my name doesn’t come with a prefix!”

(repeats, still excited but not as much) “My name ……….doesn’t have a prefix attached to it”

ME: (whisper) “I don’t think she gets it! she has no CLUE to what you’re going on about.”

Saamey: (SLOWWLY almost like a sing along) “MY. NAME. DOESN’T. HAS. A . PREFIX!”

(like a bheegi billi) “ummm no u said MR. XXXXX, so I was just, u know. Just call me XXXXX! Dont put the Mister before it!”

Apparently the chick on the other side didn’t get the sauciness he was brining into the convo! (Fail#1)

 

After blabbering for a little while he utters the BIGGEST BONGI ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH!

Saamey: “Its a pity you dont work on Fridays, we could have discussed this over breakfast!”

ME *THINKS* who the FUCK works on a Friday??????????!!!!!! (Fail#2)

The cheetey ki bachi on the fone doesn’t pick on that either, and says, Friday breakfast is a good idea. so this worked in his favor.

Anyways Fail#3 comes towards the closing of the convo.

Saamey: oww no no no! Friday morning? after a Thursday night? weekend? ill prolly have a late night on Thursday so OFCOURSE it will be a late breakfast!

ME *thinks* edda tu party animal hain!? kojaa bandar na howey tey! Weekend pey he’d be jointly harrased by Adi, Mumu and I, possibly MD (aka AbbooJee) would also be there.

He ends the convo…with a win look on his face.

ME: “You know every woman is not as smart as I, most women are not witty enough to get such things, this poor thing cud not even call your bullsht… too bad you dont work on Fridays???? DUDE Abhi tu Adi key saath mil key you ki bist honi hai! I cant wait”

And bistofy him we did! bechara! XD

All he said was: “beytaaaa! bhai bachee key saath 10 bajey breakfast pey jayee gaaa! tum dono jaltey ho mujh sey”

JEE BILKUL!!!!!

 

 

iResign

I WOULD LIKE TO STATE THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS POST IS TRUE TO THE LAST DOT! CERTAIN WORDS HAVE BEEN CENSORED FOR CONFIDENTIALITY.

So! By no means is this an “ungal” to people in dead end jobs that they should just get up and walk out!

A little background: my ex-boss is a Pakistani woman, my mom’s age, who married a local to get the status and hence is the HOD.

She translates Urdu sentences into English to hold normal day to day convo. Example when she is trying to think of something, she says “what is calling this is” (woh kya kehtey hain ussey).

When she wants to ask what is the end result of something, she says: “what become of that?” (us ka kiya bana)

If she wants something done pronto, she says NOW now now now, thinking the more “now”s she adds to anything the faster it will be done!

Anyways! The reason why I walked out was: well the resignation letter explains it all! And to work for someone who wouldn’t even make the band 1 on the IELTS test, my ego can’t cope with that! Sowee!

Money wise, I have a second job, the one I luv a LOT, teaching! So I am falling back on that and making your lives miserable, until I find another day job!

Here goes nothing! ANJUWAAI!

TO,

The Head of XXXXXXX Department,

XX XXXXX  Hospital.

Dear Ms. KXXXXXXd,

With all the due respect I would like to bring some very important points to your notice; in case you haven’t noticed them YET although it has been over 20 months!

Since I joined the XXXXXXX department at XX XXXXX Hospital in June 2010, I have not only proven myself an asset, I have also worked on projects and workloads which were not initially under my job description. I am all up for working hard and learning new things; I am a team player and I never shy away from taking responsibilities……..

But as of today, 7th March 2012, I believe I have had enough of working around as a substitute. I really don’t think that working on projects, reports and action plans TILL you hire people externally (to take up positions and projects I HAD already been working on) is healthy for my career growth.

What makes all this worse is that in spite of hiring staff some of the responsibilities they have been hired for are still on me.

I am not questioning your judgment OR decision regarding who you have hired. But I do have an issue when I am told “XXXXXXX, I personally don’t think you deserve this position” then hire someone you THINK is deserving & worthy and YET keep making me do the work required for THAT position.

I have been promised positions and I have seen them being given to away to others. Not only that, as an outsourced staff, I am literally invisible, I am not counted as XX XXXXX employee, I am not allowed to attend any external or in-house workshops or skill building, career enhancing trainings. I have no benefits from XX XXXXX YET I work as hard as any other person in this hospital, even though I am never compensated for it. Other permanent staff members leave at 4 pm except Wednesdays and I am sitting with you AT WORK proof reading THEIR emails and documentation while they are on their way home.

The new staff has only joined XX XXXXX over the past 6-7 months, I have been working single handedly with you for over a year before that. Ms. XXXXXX went on maternity leave 2 months after I joined XX XXXXX, I had no medical background yet I was given the job of a XXXXXXX XXXXXXX, I worked with you ALONE that time and everything was done in timely fashion.

Staff in XXXXXXX Department who deserved the position I was denied have been working here  for almost 6 months now, and unfortunately I am still doing their work for them!

It is very unfair when I am asked to proof read and check survey reports, action plans, etc; especially when I was not a member of that survey and I have no idea of the on goings! How am I to know what happened? What key points were discussed? How am I to correct something I was never a part of!

To top all this, what is most degrading is your announcing in XXXXXXX Departmental meeting many times that “IF you work hard, I will give you position/I will do something for you.” This is disrespectful and humiliating to think that you still want me working harder than I already am. And it’s shocking for me to learn positions in an organization are bartered in such way!

I have given my 100% to everything and anything that I have been a part of. People around me are learning, some are learning FROM ME but I am regressing. I feel rusted and stagnated working in the XXXXXXX Department at XX XXXXX. There is no growth and honestly my IQ is dropping by the minute!

You are very well aware that I am a Dean’s honors roll graduate from Canada, I have worked as the Deputy head for marketing and public relations, manager for client services and I have the experience of organizations like Microsoft under my belt. The only reason I took my current job was that it was portrayed to me as a stepping “into XX XXXXX” stone! Little did I know the run around and unprofessionalism I was to experience here!

Ms. XXXXXXXX, with all the respect I am stating that THIS job of adding GOOD words, and CORRECTING documentation and emails (written by officers) in XXXXXXX Department, is NOT what I plan to do with my life!

21 months is long enough for you to evaluate my potential AND IF THIS IS ALL AM WORTH AND IF THIS IS ALL YOU WANT ME TO DO IN THE DEPARTMENT, then am sorry, there is nothing left for me to look forward to in this department.

This job where am over worked, uncompensated, unappreciated is taking its toll on my personal life as well, I am irritated and snappy at the “wrong” people as am too busy putting a professional front at work! I am not asking for any favors, I just need the recognition and respect I deserve which I have earned.

And finally, you can always find good words on Google!

Thanks and regards.                                                        Dated: 7th March 2012

XXXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXXX

So last night I was bored! No biggie, everyone is at times. But the height of my boredom was such that I started looking up videos on YouTube.

Getting bored with Meera jee, other Pakistani celeshitties (the credit for coining this term goes to @abdu_saif), I decided to look up my recently favouritED boi who is into this thing of making them movies, awaien wali, acting in them more like it – Ali Rehman Khan! ARK !

So while looking up ARK, I see that “apni jealous” guy (Some of you might have seen me go tweet crazy with the phrase “TUM APNI JEALOUS APNEY PASS RAKHO!” I just love how this guy says it! Bandey mien talent hai!)

Kher so ARK and “apni jealous” guy have done something together (not reviewed in this piece). Bored as I was I decided to watch not one but TWO of his so called movies: “Sole Search” and “Black Coffee”.

Would I recommend them? YES I would! ABSOfuckingLUTELY! Just so that YOU ALL go through the same torture I endured. If it wasn’t for ARK’s mug, I wouldnt have made it through these movies. Although at the end of “Black Coffee” I wanted him dead; and lo and behold!

Kher I am going to be a party fucking pooper and spoil it for all of you! In other words I am going to give my 2 Fils on what I think of these movies! While at it, i might get somethings mixed up or miss them out cuz am just recalling the horrible experience from last night! Bear with me and if you don’t agree with it at any point – DON’T READ ANY FURTHER!!!!!!

SOLE SEARCH:

Starring:

  • A Burger Bacha (not very cute),
  • Candy (ARK, tiel choopreya hoya mawali lag reyaye)
  • That slackistan guy (who mumbles and has bad posture all thru slackistan),
  • 3 goons and
  • An Uncle!

Burger Bacha is roaming around Jinnah Market (no clue what that be, but they make it sound like Dubai Marina Walk – so sorry Dubai!) looking for a pair of Nikes (I think).

He goes to slackistan guy who is a dukan dar and they bargain! Epic Face meets Palm moment! Very very very very very very very very very very very very lame ass job at bargaining! Meri Maa in dono ko chchittar lagaye! Kasmey!

Anyways THEN he meets the chunk of handsomeness- Mr. Candy! In the scenes that follow, Candy irritates the shit out of this BB and loses his job; the Uncle fires Candy for his cheesiness!

Now check this: in a Country where a teen dies, bleeding, 2 feet from men in uniform yet they don’t call an ambulance for him, in a country where they lynch kids in public and the mob just cheers the fucktards on; THIS cheetey ka Burger Bacha feels bad and wants to compensate for CANDY losing his job!

Wah rey dansar!

 In short THIS FREAKAZIOD goes around with Candy, a guy he barely knows (IN PAKISTAN, AT NIGHT),  visiting the MOST sketchiest of places following like a puppy (not a very cute puppy)! Even after Candy hints (very subtly ofcourse) that he would like BB to bend over, hold his ankles and smile! after ALL that, WHO FOLLOWS A STRANGER??? He even responds to a “chicch chicch” coming from a dark alley, only to get beaten up by the 3 goons!  Serves you right you stupid moron!

The story ends with this guy turning into a Candy-like person (not as cute though).

What they don’t mention is that this BB is GAY! Yes GAY! EAT ME NOW! I base my conclusion on the following facts:

 Burger bacha turned into a buffoon cuz he is impressed by Candy, a guy:-

  • Who tries hard (a lil  too hard perhaps) to be hip and IN and dude and cool and what not!
  • Who clearly hits on Burger Bacha using words that burned my ears and made me like ARK a little less! You don’t act gay in front of me when I think you is cute! (and oh by the way this BB STILL didn’t run away; he still hung around the guy who wants to do him where the sun don’t shine)
  • Whose sole aim in life is bachiyaan set karna (maybe Candy swings both ways)
  •  Who smokes like a chimney and gets Burger Bacha beat up
  •  Who lost his job cuz he couldn’t handle a customer,
  • Who dresses like a cross between a gigolo and a Don.

The list could go ON  and ONNNN, its very obvious, BB started liking Candy (I don’t blame BB for this, I mean who wouldn’t?) and the only way he can spend time with Candy is to become a part of the Buffoon Brigade!

The END

P.S: They named him dagger, which is ironic cuz I figured he would be at the receiving end! IF you get my drift *Wink*Wink* *Nudge*Nudge*

P.S.S: ALL THIS STARTED OVER A PAIR OF SHOES! YOU MEN CAN NEVER EVERRRR SAY A WORD TO WOMEN ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SHOES AFTER THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF A MOVIE!!

Ill deal with Black Coffee Later, maybe tomorrow! But now am going have some chai and do what I get paid for at this hour! Toodles until next time!

iRamble

Star light start bright,

 The first retardo freako I see tonight,

I wish I may I wish I might

When they come hither, I could bite.

 

They blabber, they ramble, they act like stunned cunts!

They have nothing coming their way save for frown n grunts.

 

Am not being a bitch, I just say it how I see it,

You don’t want to hear, then so be it!

 

Show compassion and understand them, why should i?

All I wanna chant is DIE MAZAFAKKA DIIIEE!!

 

Koi bandey ka puttar ho tu agla lehaz bhi karey,

Aisey Aytems sey har normal insane rahey zara parey.

 

Mailey, Koojey, Phatto, Nakara, Kamchoor,

Smack you I will! Definitely for sure!

 

They dance like a pro, you see, they own the dance floor

Alas, if only they could see what I see, stupidity galore!

 

The attitude, the persona, the accent – all fake!

We ship them for free if others are ready to take!

 

Armani, Burberry, Coach, Gucci and LV

Do number mall ley key, they are trying to fool me?

 

Star light start bright, the sane ones of the world unite

We wish we may we wish we might

Give them a taste of their own meds – just to vent our spite!

Opps I said it again!

Sticks and Stones might break my bones but words will never hurt me!

STRONGLY disagree!

Sometimes things we say with the most innocent intentions get blown out of context! It’s like saying the right thing at the wrong time in the wrong place in front of the wrong people! That’s just one too many wrongs!

Take the following exchanges for instance (reader’s discretion advised)

#ME: “I love swollen Members” (it’s a BAND!)

#Dude , before a cricket match: “Oye how many balls do you have, Merey pass teen hain!

#Me: “Oww I’d give him a blow and he’ll be set for life” (in my defense I was SUPER pissed and the blow I was referring to meant a punch to his head…. The head on his shoulders!

#Colleague: “See now you got me all wet!” (Made her walk to the car in a flurry)

#Friend: “Here, Taste my nuts, why are they so salty?” ME: “Back the fuck off! NOW.”

#Boss: “If CEO find out this become (this IS how she talks) He will eat me in front of everyone!*shudder* I needed therapy after this!

#One of my 2nd grade boys: “Miss you eat cock?”

ME: “WHAT did u say?”

Student: “COCK… This…” shows me a picture of a cock, a murgha!

ME: “You should say Chicken!”

Student: “but it is saying Cock in the book, I love cock!”

ME: Stunned!

#Yelling to a Friend 1 who’s on my case to hurry up n get off the phone:  “AM COMINGGGG!” Friend 2 on the phone: “Boy I’m good!”

#Theatre Manager @ the University: “Go get Hiscock” (Todd Hiscock was our Theatre Directing Professor)

#Maintenance Dude at work: “abbey is ko achey sey screw kar”

#Philipino waiter: “Penis Ma’am??” apparently he meant “Finish”

#Friend telling how he downs his foul tasting and rancid smelling protien shake:” oww i dont taste it, i just swallow” ME:”ORLY??? Knew you were gay!”

The list goes on! If you made or experienced such genuine mistakes (blunders), lets hear them in the comments!

CRYING SHAME

The cry near about pierced my eardrums; they even bled a little! It rattled across my brain- whatever is left of it anyways. You know that sound when someone drags their nails across a blackboard- Whoopi Goldberg: Sister Act? (Made you wince? Good!). Anyways THAT sound is sweet murmur compared to the shrieks coming from the tiny hole in this tiny tots face barely four feet away, in his mother’s arms (who is oblivious to this mayhem) at the check-in.

Looking around, “Don’t these people have self check-in somewhere?” Actually worried how long I can take this.

My Aunt laughs “Agar issi bachey key saath seat miley phir”

“Masoo! Ill jump off the plane! Anywhere BUT next to them”

“I hope you sit right next to them!” my uncle quips in.

*glare* “So not cool!”

My turn at the check-in. “Could I have an aisle seat? Please and thank you!”

“Sure ma’am, that won’t be a problem.”

Should I mention it to her? What am I worried about? I probably won’t see this counter lady again! EVER!

“ummm, listen, aaah- I don’t want to come off as a bitch, but hopefully I am nowhere near them(pointing to our vocal champ). It’s a sixteen hour flight and… you know…”

“Yes ma’am I understand. Don’t worry you are all set.”

*Super star smile* “you’re an ANGEL! Thank you sooo much!”

A quick farewell is best; not a big fan of the water works and sniffles. My aunt and uncle insist one more time I should stay; Khaloo even offers to take the blame for not driving to the airport on time.

“I’ll be back before you know it! I promise.”

18-K…18-K…18-K aah here it is 18K *jaw drop* it’s NOT an aisle seat! If it weren’t for the old handicapped lady (saw her on a wheel chair at the boarding gate) I’d be super pissed! Anyways I sink into my seat, texting final goodbyes to friends and colleagues.

*SCREAAAM*

My heart actually sank. He’s back!

I can’t help but stare. For some odd reason I believe if I look away his mama would come sit right next to me. Must not Look away, must not look away, mu…I feel a tap on my arm. I turn to the lady next to me. “You from where?” she asks, gesturing the question with her hands as well.

“Mien Pakistan sey. Aur aap?”

She smiles “Mien India- Ludhiyana sey. Dekh rahi ho who yahan na ajaye?”

*Slightly embarrassed* “haha, nahi who kuch zyada hi roota hai- woh bhi zoor zoor sey.”

“Jahaz nu chalan deo, phir wekhin puttar! Vancouver sey saath hain”

Was that a warning??? A heads up? I can only manage half a nervous giggle.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“HOLY MOTHER OF SOMETHING!!” This time it was extremely near; almost right next to me! I turned my head 180o at warp speed. Luckily I’m alive- missing out on a chance to go down in history as the first (only?) woman who snapped her own neck-without even touching it.

This can’t be happening! She said she totally understood! I see the smiling face of the check-in lady; it quickly turns red, grows bloody fangs, lil devil horns and she menacingly laughs saying “shouldn’t have looked awaaaaay” *evil laughter*!! I want to hurt her in ways unimaginable! No! I want to put her with this little monster next to ME at his crankiest best!

I remember sobbing a tiny bit as this point!

What I endured over the next 16 hours ranges from- little monster sleeping and drooling on my shoulder; high fiving my face EVERYTIME I managed a shut eye, slapping George Clooney on my TV screen while am trying to watch Ocean’s 13- I turned on his TV for him, he still found pleasure in smacking mine (the screen), little moster even pulled a Zidane on my nose when I tried telling his mom –very politely of course- how to get him to shut the hole in his cute mug. Truth be told– he is cute as a button; drools, smacks and head butts included!

Some time back I saw an online article about a leading airline banning children under the age of two years from flying in its first class lounge.” Am I happy? NO!

Dou batien hain! (Musharraf style)

Pehlee Meri dignitiyeh! (haha! just kidding)

First of all- I don’t fly first class! I can’t afford it until I become the President of Pakistan! So banning people from first class means more people flying economy which means more crowd around MY side of the plane!

Secondly I have this weird habit- one of many. Maybe a few of you can relate to it: something might bother you a lot, you might whine, grumble and sulk about it! But if it involves babies, old senile people or the underdogs- you forget your discomfort and your silent prayer of wishing them away and turn into a total mush! I mean, had someone voiced their opinion about how noisy this baby was I would have been the first one up telling them to back off!

Does this border line with being an oxymoron? Does it fall under having double standards?

I doubt it. My opinion is we are all bothered by something or the other; we all have our pet peeves! What matters is how we put our temporary discomfort aside to look at the bigger picture!

Babies WILL wail, cry, poop, drool and head butt you, among many other things! Old people WILL drive, walk, talk, move, eat and do EVERYTHING- no exceptions- SLOWLY! We need to be accommodating. We were a baby once and people put up with us and- unless Allah wills otherwise- we will all turn old and senile. Let’s only dish out what we are willing to be served later when we are in their place! Let’s treat people how we want to be treated! Let’s not be mean, self centered and selfish! Just let it go, let it be and live!

They baffle me, irritate me, make me want to claw my eyes out, after I rake razor blades through my brains; they leave me dumbfounded and the “jaw drop” is ‘mah thang’ every time I talk to them. But I love them from the core of my desi being; I really do! Because if it weren’t for them; I wouldn’t feel as patriotic, sensible and blessed as I do now!

While in Pakistan for school; back in 97-99, I made a few “thoroughbred Pakistani friends”   (or so I thought). The born n raised in Pakistan, nicknaming the non-residing Pakistanis “Burger Bachey”, never been out of the country types! And now a decade and a half later we are back in touch (thanks Orkut and FB)! The best part about catching up is getting to know what they been up to!

Take Mr. Dude for example. He has trouble reading Urdu; he has trouble understanding Urdu, he has trouble talking in Urdu. He asks me meaning of words like “fursat”. His tagline: yaaarrrr meerrrriii Orrrrrrdoooooo acheeee naaaai haaaaai”. (The way he rolls his “r”s would put an Espanola to shame!

He prefers Nirvana over Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khaan saab; coffee over chai; doesn’t know Shaan, Reema or Meera (seriously, even I know Meera, the faatografaar); In my opinion, anyone who claims not to know Shaan should drink some Ech See Ell, jump down their throats, stomp on their own guts and incase they survive, they should be tried for treason!!

Dude is learning Spanish and French and he is visiting The Emirates next month. I absolutely have to show him around and he won’t take no for an answer (mhmm) but am not giving a hoot to that now- it’s been 3 years, he hasn’t landed yet!

 

Ms. Diva starts off with: “Are you married? Do you have a guy? OMG don’t tell me he is Paki!”

She obviously isn’t married; but her reasons for this standoff are very valid (read oxymoronic): “Desi Bandey in Pakistan… UFFF! You have NO idea!

She doesn’t like them because they don’t have the ambition, the drive, the zeal (they haven’t moved to Canada, States, Europe or Middle East); she can’t adjust with a desi sural, the desi behavior and the desi mentality chokes her! Guys in Pakistan just don’t have “IT” (IT = Foreign nationality /residency).

I wonder if she is in touch with ‘Mr. Foreign Grad’. Who is he you ask? Read on! Nonetheless I told her to hang in there; her foreign knight in shining armor would find his way to her as soon as he can save up for airfare! After all 7/11 employees barely make minimum wage!

 

Mr. “I came back because I love my country” (read: my six months contract finished and they dragged me to the airport kicking and screaming!)

I should have met him while he was in the Emirates, he would have showed me around! Of course six months makes him the expert on the place! How on earth can I know more than what he has seen/learnt in six months? I was, after all, only born & raised here! What’s that got on six full months? Because of the diversity of the place, his time in UAE has prepared him for any job in any field (seriously?) People in Pakistan are dumb, at times even jealous (his words) for not knowing his true worth.

He thinks we should really get to know each other when he is back in UAE which will be very soon because, (I quote) “I worked there six months- that’s huge. I know the place, I know the people. I have been there once and that’s all that matters! They will go like ‘hey this guy’s is a better option, he has spend time here; he is better than some fresher’”. Of course sunshine! You are way better than the hundreds of people ‘living’ in UAE looking for jobs. As for getting to know him- I’ll give it a thought (if and) when he is back!

 

Meet Mrs. Man

Her sole aim in life is fulfilled! She has married ‘Da Man’. Oww how she is in love with ‘her Man’. No one is better than ‘her Man’. ‘Her Man’ works with Daddy jee. ‘Her Man’ went to USA for his Final semester. ‘Her Man’ loves biking. Her daughter looks exactly like ‘her Man’ (am not even sure if that’s a good thing). ‘Her Man’s’ old man has 3 horses, 7 bulls, 13 cows, 361 hens, 2 mini Pajeros, a 2004 7 series BMW, a flat in Umm-Al-Quwain AND ‘her Man’ has access to ALL that! She can’t stop talking about ‘her Man’.

I know ‘her Man’ better than I ever knew her!

Moving on!

 

Mr. Foreign Grad (yay transfer credits)

That’s how he introduced himself when I asked what he does. “I am a foreign graduate”. That stumped me for a good half minute. I mean so am I, but why does HE gets paid for it while I still have to work for a pay check?! Bless him; he goes on to mention he works for a cellular company. He travels all over the world: Quetta, Islamabad, Karachi, Faisalabad, Multan, Peshawar, etc. (World?? vattay small world) and they even pay for his travel expense (waaaooo).

He wants to skype – banned in UAE. He wants to voice chat – I write something about working late. He says he can call (cellular company zindabad). Finally his “ello mae” yells why he wanted “to talk” (all that ‘rolla’ for a fake accent?). He says it’s been 3 yrs since he has been back and he still forgets he is in Pakistan (you’ve got to be kidding me) and keeps talking in English. I couldn’t help but notice his knowledge of spoken Urdu had diminished considerably but the accent he adopted when he was abroad for 10 months; he’s cradling that to the grave!

 

 

Ms. Dolzs n Gabana aka Ms. YES saint law-rent!

Mrs. Man bugs ‘her man’ to bring her the latest tote seen dangling on Ms. D&G’s arm, and Ms. Diva wants a guy who can make her the next Ms. D&G.

 She insists everything she owns has a designer label slapped on it. She is thinking of a trip to UAE considering the shopping hype and the authenticity of merchandize here. She likes Jimmy SHOE (sorry Mr. Choo) but doesn’t own a pair YET! She wants me to keep an eye out for the new collection and keep her posted, “don’t worry about the cost”, she says.

She also wants to know if I have heard of Paris Gallery. “No I haven’t, my parents caged me since birth and there is a worldwide debate going on about my feral status”. Her “HAIN??” was priceless.

Her cousins are so ‘duh’ key who bata nahi sakti! ALL her guy cousins between the ages of 17 – 30 want to be WITH her; all her girl cousins and even aunties want to BE her! I am supposed to stay with her when I am in town so she can show me her collection. She has a Burberry travel set and when I visit her, I should tell her if that’s okay for travelling to UAE. She doesn’t want people there to go “yeh kya paindoo uth key agayee hai!” (Yes that’s what we UAE walas do: sit at the airport all day long sipping gahwa rating/hating anybody landing from our country! The personal oil well we own takes care of all our expenses)

Speaking of UAE I asked her if she’s in touch with ‘Mr. I came back cuz I love my country’. “Arey haan spoke to him a week ago, who tu Dubai mien hota hai na? Keeps flying back n forth! Us key tu warey niyarey ho gaye! He was telling me he is quite settled and even offered to show me around when I go there. Are you in touch with him?”

 By now I have a smile on my face which is like… well I don’t know how to classify it; it’s purely ecstatic.

Time changes people, it changed me too. I can’t help but wonder who’s the burger now? Would I have turned out like this had I been living in Pakistan? Would I have made any sense talking to someone who doesn’t? What would my title have been?

 

Disclaimer: By no means is this a way of making fun of my fellow country folks who have lived and/or spent their entire lives in Pakistan. This is just a glimpse on what some of us have turned into! If I have offended anyone by this piece; I apologize, I am not sorry-but I apologize. That being said! Grow up you offended lot!